When someone whispers, “If I tell you a secret, will you promise not to tell anyone?”, I politely tell them that I can keep a secret. …It’s the loud mouths I tell that can’t keep secrets!
I hate secrets. If someone does gamble and tell me one, I can’t sleep until the secret matures; i.e. comes to pass.
I look at secrets as depriving the person the secret’s or secret is about of a prolonged joy.
For instance, if someone tells me he’s throwing a surprise birthday party for his wife in two weeks, I think she’s being cheated out of a two weeks of happiness.
The way I see it, if I tell his wife about the party, she’ll adore him more and feel happy until the surprise party. Otherwise, she only has the happy feeling the day of the party. Except, now she has a burning secret.
Here’s another example: I always throw myself a surprise ‘going away party’ at Quigley’s or Features before I leave for Florida on November 1. The whole month of October I float on air knowing I will have a surprise party and my friends will be there, maybe with presents. If I didn’t know the secret, I would only float the day of the party. See what I mean?
I love making up secrets and telling them to people like me. I always start with farm boys; they’re the least trustworthy of anybody with a secret. I confide in Joe. Joe will tell Bo and make him promise not to tell anyone else. Bo will tell Billy and Marv if they swear not to tell anyone.
They swear and then tell Mikie. You can bet your last dollar that Mikie will tell Mary Ann. Well, that’s like printing it in Positively Naperville. Mary Ann’s actually worse at keeping secrets than I am.
By the time it gets back to me, and it always does, it’s been massaged so much I don’t recognize it. I think it’s a new secret, so I tell it back to Joe again…and the circle starts again.
I’ll tell you a secret if you’ll tell everyone you know, like you’re expected to do anyway: Positively Naperville newspaper is the best kept secret in Thrillville. It’s the little paper that comes out the first day of every month with all good news: No gloom and doom anywhere in its content. Not only does it tell you what’s happened, it informs you of what will be happening going forward. Stephanie, and her right hand man, Tim, scour every inch of town for good news 29 or 30 days a month and then tell you all about it in PN. Go on, tell my secret…
Editor’s Note: Ed Channell led the way with his co-chairmen to raise funds for the Riverwalk 2000 Extension and Fredenhagen Park development. He supports the NEF Golf Outing every year and many other worthy causes. PN appreciates that he also contributed Ed’s Many Hats for a decade. Please don’t tell anyone.