by Guest Columnist Bruce Dixon
This column, written by a different Naperville resident every month, is dedicated to the wit, wisdom and practical advice that’s been passed down from their parents.
It’s My Mother’s Fault
I originally was asked if I’d like to write about what I had learned from my mother. If I were to stick to facts, the column would be about 10 words long; so I decided to do a Dave Barry-type piece.
When I learned in 2007 that Kraft Foods was discontinuing production of the caffeine-free instant hot beverage, Postum®, I hit the road and bought up all the jars I could find. And it’s my mother’s fault.
It all began about 1948, when I asked my parents if I could join them for coffee. I wanted to sit at the table with a cup of java and one of those cool candy cigarettes with the red tip. Instead of coffee, mom gave me a cup of Postum® with cream and sugar.
“Yech! Why can’t I have coffee too?”
“Because you’re underage,” she said through a cloud of cigarette smoke.
“Yabut…”
“Don’t ‘yabut’ me. Drink your Postum® and eat your cigarette.”
Thus began my relationship with the grain-based coffee alternative introduced in 1895, and widely used during the World War II coffee shortage.
By high school I was freebasing Postum® and snorting the brown powder in study hall. I bought a bong, but mom ruined it by deciding it made a good olive oil dispenser. A friend showed me how to roll cigarettes using Postum® powder and Dr. Scholl’s insoles. They were smoky and hard to keep lit.
Understandably, my parents sent me to a psychoanalyst. Rubbing his hands, Sigmund asked me if I had seen my dad drinking Postum® naked. Not wishing to hear about Postum® Envy, I walked out.
Fast forward to the USMC Recruit Depot at Parris Island, where I made the mistake of asking the drill instructor, “Could I have Postum® instead of coffee, SIR?”
Ever try to count the holes in a window screen while standing at attention?
My Postum® consumption plummeted after I discovered the delights of tobacco, whisky, and lime Jell-O parfait. These were my mother’s fault, too. Well, mostly.
To submit clever couplets of advice and memorable observances doled out by your parents or maxims that have stood the text of time, e-mail Stephanie@positivelynaperville.com.
