The other day, I was driving through a four-way intersection. Coincidentally, four cars arrived at the same time. Each of us looked to our right and waved that person on. And we all lurched forward. And we all stopped.
If this had happened in New York, all four drivers would have smashed the accelerator and everyone’s insurance agents would’ve had a very bad day. However, because we are in the Midwest, we are all nice.
“Midwestern Nice” is the term for an affect common in our region that prioritizes politeness and deference to others while avoiding conflict and imposition at any cost. The secret is, Midwestern Nice isn’t really nice at all—it’s a learned performance that can cover up ugly truths.
While the world may think that Midwestern Nice amounts to holding doors for other people and excessive apologies (“I’m sorry,” “No, I’m sorry”), Midwestern Nice actually traps us in stifling silence.
Angelina Castagno’s book The Price of Nice argues that niceness is what maintains surface-level social peace at any cost. Essentially, calling out bad behavior is at times seen as ruder than the behavior itself, as long as the status quo remains unchanged. It should be obvious that this can be extremely problematic.
So how do we break our not-so-nice “nice” habits? One way to cure this unproductive politeness is to adopt a “New Yorker” mindset; trade our Midwestern “whoops, sorry” for “get to the point.” This isn’t about being rude, it’s about being genuine. So if something needs to be said: say it.
I’m not saying that we shouldn’t be nice; the world could always use a little more kindness. But true kindness isn’t about avoiding the conflict, it’s about navigating it with honesty and respect. Let’s stop just being nice. Let’s start being real.
