I live in Florida all winter, world headquarters of senior citizens.
As a retiree, I’m starting to become very conscious about the way other old guys let themselves look after retiring. Wandering around downtown Sarasota or Bradenton, I see a parade of old foggies either with “I don’t care how I look” or “I’m the coolest looking lizard in town.” Attitude is everything.
Some have comb-over ponytails, an earring, short-shorts, high black socks and flip-flops. Others have fuzzy hair with visible nose and ear hair. Some wear zip-off pants while leading an itty bitty white dog.
And then there’s the hip, senior lizard: Bald as a baby’s butt, sun glasses, bling on bling, mustache and driving a hot, used red convertible sports car. I’d guess he’s even had a face lift to attract the wide-eyed, blond lady in his car.
I go to great efforts to maintain my straight and narrow, in-the-know look that my daughter and wife taught me years ago. I’ve even typed out a check list on 3×5 cards to review every morning before and after dressing. I also keep them in my pocket at all times during the day to check if someone looks at me funny.
Some of my card-carrying tips include:
- Get a haircut weekly.
- Trim nose and ears every morning.
- Make sure shorts are just above the knees.
- Outer shorts must be longer than Hanes skivvies.
- Only wear zip-offs in boats. They come off easily underwater.
- Wear facial hair if you’re bald and need a comb over.
- Visit the dermatologist weekly and have stuff burnt off.
- Never wear flip-flops with high black socks….even better. Never wear flip-flops.
- Never ever utter the grunt word “Huh?” Instead, shake your head slowly and say “Ain’t it the truth?” and choke a little chuckle.
Armed with my 3 x 5 cards, wife, daughter and wearing my old John Deer cap, I think I’ll be OK until I’m at least on the back side of 70.
Editor’s Note: Click the printer friendly icon below to print out Ed’s tips for seniors card.
