This column will be my 106th attempt at entertaining you with what little writing ability I have. Unfortunately, my pen is just about out of ink. Plus, I turned 100 years old September 16 and realized that my memory was the second thing that went—can’t remember the first.
I recently enjoyed lunch at Quigley’s Irish Pub with my editors and offered my resignation as of December 31. I was startled by their laughter, their high-fives and applause. I was assured that there were a lot of people out there capable of writing a column that had all the punctuation marks in the right place.
After Stephanie and Tim calmed down from their excitement, I asked if I could solicit applications for my replacement to write this column. They thought it was a great idea— or so they said. Ever since Stephanie turned down my column about “Brokeback Mountain,” I haven’t trusted her 100 percent.
All kidding aside, I’m taking e-mail applications for my job. I personally think PN has enough columnists writing about specific interests. I think we need more gun slingers with the ability to make you chuckle once in a while. Maybe even yell “Mable, you won’t believe how amusing this new columnist is. He/she is twice as good as old what’s-his-name in that hat ever was.”
Okey dokey. If you’re interested, here’s what I would like you to do: Knock out a column of about 250 words and e-mail it to me. Choose any subject, real or imagined, in keeping with what I’ve been doing for 9 years. Be sure to type “MY COLUMN” in the subject field of your e-mail.
If your column is the best, in my opinion, I will recommend you to the PN editors for consideration. If they balk at selecting you as a contributing columnist, I will threaten to withdraw my resignation. That’ll move things along and your first column likely will be in the January 2014 edition.
